There’s nothing more sobering than being a full-grown adult and finding out that the fifth-billed star of one of the TV shows you grew up watching is now sitting in the clink for being an alleged woman-beater. That’s right, the kid from “Home Improvement”, no, not Jonathan Taylor Thomas––we will never stop looking for him––the older one…Zachery Ty Bryan, was picked up by Oregon PD this weekend for attempting to strangle his girlfriend. Taran Noah Smith would NEVER! (Also, what the fuck with those try-hard 1990s Tiger Beat names?)
When I first read that headline this morning, I did that Tim Allen eauhhh? grunting noise he used to do on that show before realizing: Why is it anytime I hear news about Home Improvement, it’s always bad? Like, why isn’t Patricia Richardson still a sassy TV show mom? Did that youngest brother ever escape his cult marriage? Anyway, Zachery (with an E), who played Brad, the oldest of Tim Taylor’s sons, was arrested in Eugene, Oregon, for allegedly choking out his girlfriend and for “interfering with filing a report”.
According to TMZ, 39-year-old Zachery, who looks like every skeezy, bleary-eyed guy perched at the end of the local Applebee’s bar, was picked up after neighbors overheard screams. Apparently, Zachery had a scuffle with his girlfriend outside of his apartment complex where he allegedly tried to strangle her after a verbal altercation turned violent. Cops arrived to find Zachery sitting outside his unit while the alleged victim was hiding in a nearby friend’s place. No word on whether alcohol or drugs were a contributing factor to the outburst but holy shit, judging from his mugshot, it’s safe to say, he’s probably dabbled.
Zachery, who is (perhaps to no one’s surprise) a militant Trump supporter and anti-masker, also, according to his IG profile, dabbles in cryptocurrency, film production, and taking routine swipes at the liberal media and Joe Biden. And Zachery and his wife of 13 years, Carly Matros, have four children together. Their youngest was born in March 2019. On October 1, Zachery announced that he and Carly were done, and he committed another crime while making that announcement because he copy+pasted Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers’ divorce announcement:
I’m still stuck on this. Why did the oldest brother from Home Improvement plagiarize Armie Hammer’s divorce announcement? I need answers. pic.twitter.com/4jm5yQvkNQ
— Casey Cline (@casey_cline) October 18, 2020
Tool Time, in-fucking-deed.