The one thing I learned from basketball this year (and yes I only learned one thing) is that the NBA’s COVID-19 bubble worked, and not one player tested positive for coronavirus all season. Pretty good, considering that with all those hands and open mouths, that ball is basically more germs than rubber by the second quarter. So in the world of balls that are thrown into baskets, it’s all good. Sadly, the same can’t be said for the world of balls kicked by feet. CNN says that the Portuguese Football Federation released a statement today informing everyone that the richest man in foot-based ball handling, Cristiano Ronaldo, has tested positive for the coronavirus.
Cristiano, who is 35 years old, went public with the news today. The PFF says that Cristiano is, “well, without symptoms, and in isolation.” The part about having no symptoms would indicate his positive status was maybe discovered during a routine test. It also serves as further proof that you’ve gotta keep wearing your damn masks! You just never know if you got the COVID, you know? But we also don’t know how Cristiano caught COVID. I’m sure he was a faithful mask-wearer. I mean, he’s got hair like a Ken doll. He would have zero worries about mask straps fucking up his ‘do.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t go ahead and speculate about where Cristiano might have contracted COVID. CNN points out that he played for Portugal against France in the Nations League on Sunday, then against Spain in a friendly match last week. With Cristiano in isolation, he’ll miss out on the next Nations League game, against Sweden, as well as several other matches. In 15 days, he’s scheduled to play against Barcelona. In many parts of Europe, a positive diagnosis for COVID-19 means isolating for a minimum of 10 days.
So what about Cristiano’s teammates? The PFF says that after Cristiano tested positive, every other Portugal player was given a test on Tuesday morning, and they all passed (which is to say, they all tested negative). If you want to win the lottery any time soon, start fucking one of Cristiano’s teammates. Because it’s very clear they’ve all got horseshoes, four-leafed clovers, and rabbits’ feet stuck up their asses. That, or they should all submit themselves for COVID-19 research. Because literally the night before Cristiano got his positive test results, he was having dinner with them as they sat elbow to elbow at one big table. And only Cristiano came away with COVID!
Translated into English, that caption reads: “United on and off the field!” Okay that’s nice, but you have COVID. How about from here on out, you be united as close as a six-foot distance will allow?